undefined-and-unguarded:

One thing I know for certain is my number one, hugest fear, is being the reason for a scar on someone’s wrist.

(Source: pushed-too-far, via only-i-can-see-me)

I hate myself and everything about me and anything related to me.

Although I love my best friends with all my heart, it hurts knowing I’m a second choice to them. Selena’s first choice is obviously Lauren, and Lauren’s is obviously Selena. They’ll see this and not know what to say because they know it’s true. They love each other more than they love me. If I were them, I would too. I just don’t want to be a second choice. Not with family, with friends, with school. I’m so tired of it. Why not eliminate one choice so they don’t have to choose?

Every time I look in the mirror, I want to break the mirror, the tear myself apart. But if I did, I would get one of the responses along the lines of: “You aren’t even that big, it’s not a big deal.” “You just want attention.” “I’m uglier than you so you have no right to hate yourself.” Sorry. I do. I want to pull my skin off my body and die. I’m sorry I do that sometimes.

I hate my family with a burning passion. I’m an outcast, I get made fun of, teased, constantly touched when I ask not to be, disrespected. They don’t give two shits. They think my problems are fucking hilarious. Well fuck you, you’re all cunts, fucking bags of horse shit.

I’m never good enough for myself. My parents set high standards for me, but the worst ones are for myself. Not an A plus? Failure. Not first place? Useless. Not funny, sociable, athletic, skinny, pretty. Why not kill yourself? All you do is disgrace the people around?

So why not kill myself? I’m a coward. My best friend would come with me, the other would fall to pieces. My family would act like they cared and it would piss me the fuck off. I got a few things I want to do and a few places I want to see before I do that.